By: Jessica LaMarre
In 2017 I was in Nashville, TN for conference for business. We were in the Gaylord Opryland Resort and Convention Center, which has 2,888 rooms and nine acres of indoor gardens, making it the largest non-casino hotel in the continental U.S. This place was big and beautiful. However, it was stressful being there for a few reasons:
- When I am at a conference, it is hard to find time to do all of the other work that needs to get done, so it is constant work.
- I had two little ones at home whom I missed very much.
My husband and I had been trying for a third for over a year. I was in early pregnancy with my third, and then all of the sudden while in the hotel room I started not feeling well. I went into the bathroom and shut the door. I came out not pregnant.
I called my husband, but he was already stressed from his work and our two kids and I am sure felt helpless since I was 1,626 miles away. He didn’t have much to say.
“I am so sorry babe,” I remember him saying. “I am sorry I can’t be there with you” as I walked him through what had happened. Before we hung up, he asked, “How are you?”
“I’m fine,” I responded.
I wasn’t fine, but that was all I could say. I was upset, but I could not cry.
You’re fine Jessica.
You weren’t even that far along.
At least you even got pregnant, some women don’t even get pregnant.
These were the words that played in my head. Instead of crying or going into my emotions, I just threw myself into my work. I had a lot to get done, anyway.
I was just so thankful that I was in my hotel room when it happened and that it was the last day of the conference. Now I just wanted to go home. As I passed others on my way out of the hotel, I would hear:
Hey, how are you Jessica?
I would hear:
I know this is supposed to read that I would say “I’m good,” but it was as though I did not say it, but would just hear it: “I’m good.” Something I was not. I was not good, I was not okay, I was not fine.
My experience with showing emotions.
I must have missed the memo that crying was okay. I cried maybe once a year since I was fifteen. I don’t say this as something to be proud of, I say this as a fact of my life. This probably stemmed from the constant reminder that it was not okay to cry:
Keep crying and I will give you something to cry about.
Don’t show your emotions on the court.
Why are you crying now?
She is fine.
All common, constant reminders from my childhood that it was not okay to show or share my emotions. These comments then became my own, anytime I was upset, or frustrated, or angry, or any other emotion besides happy. “I’m good,” “I’m okay,” “I’m fine.” My common responses to hide my true emotions.
[Related: Master Your Mind, Master Your Day]
Connecting to me allowed for healing.
I have spent the last two-and-a-half years transforming my life, spending time in meditation, healing, reading, and retreats to re-connect to a me that I felt disconnected from. I have taken a flashlight and shined it on my hurt, pain, shame, guilt, sadness, and anger.
What happened through the journey is that I re-discovered me. I am now connected to my emotions. I know that every emotion has a need. I know now when I hear myself say “I’m okay,” “I’m good,” or “I’m fine,” I look inside, because I know I am probably not.
I take the time to listen to my intuition, to listen to what my emotions are trying to tell me. I know now that it is okay to cry, and sometimes I do, and I always feel better after. Although most of the time I don’t cry, I connect to me and my emotions, which allows me to discover what needs to come to the surface to be healed.
What this has brought me is a deep-self connection. This allows me to trust myself, to have better relationships, to be more creative, to bring forth my passions, and to live my purpose.
Start rediscovering you!
If you are interested in developing a deeper self-connection or a connection to your intuition, or you just feel like you have lost yourself, let me offer a few ways to get started.
First, I want to share what I learned, which is that I was not lost, and neither are you. I just lost touch with myself. I disconnected from who I was, and through the journey, in the healings, in mediation, and in connecting to my emotions, I rediscovered myself.
- Journal: Just start writing about anything. I write about all sorts of things — my feelings, my emotions, my dreams, my frustrations, my insights, my inspiration.
- Meditate: I meditate twice a day. Start with just 1–3 minutes a day. There are thousands of meditations on YouTube to follow along with.
These tools have allowed me to reconnect to me, which has brought forth a happier, more fulfilling life.
Jessica LaMarre is a writer, speaker, and workshop facilitator. She guides high achievers to access personal and professional success from the inside out. She’s been featured in ForbesWomen, UpJournal, EllevateNetwork, Thrive Global, and Medium. Connect with her through her website: www.lovepersonalgrowth.com.
Originally published at https://www.ellevatenetwork.com.